what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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