She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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