im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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