Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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