And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
