This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
