I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
