So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
