My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
