The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
