I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
