Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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