I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
