He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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