there's paper in my vomit.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Randomize
