you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
