Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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