I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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