Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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