The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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