Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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