also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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