It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
