I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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