even my farts smell like vagina
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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