you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
