the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
