dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
