Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
