I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
