were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
