Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
