I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
