I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
