Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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