I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
