I think im going to throw up on grandma
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
