She just used a chaser for red wine.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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