what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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