someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
