I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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