my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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