You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
