Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
