I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
