I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
