what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
