around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
