You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
