everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
