I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
