We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's shark week go big or go home
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
